The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[NeTree]

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.

So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater."

 

[SkwerI]

Old joke, but not as old as Erik's jokes.

Two Blind Pilots:
Two blind pilots wearing dark glasses board their plane. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're
headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[MasterBlaster]

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so friggin' fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

 

[Mr. Sir]

Wow, Butch. I've never seen so many words from you in one post.

 

[MasterBlaster]

I didn't write the joke.

 

[lumberjack]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down
and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I
weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each,
and my name is Turner Brown.'



The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,


'Turn around.'

 

[Banned by Squirrels]

An oldie but a goody LJ.

 

[SkwerI]

plot to kidnap Obama discovered

With the election only days away and tensions mounting higher, Barack Obama's security staff recently uncovered a plot to kidnap the Presidential nominee. The enclosed picture was taken at a site adjacent to one of Obama's scheduled appearences.

 

[woodworkingboy]

These dudes think that is almost as hilarious as burning churches....with people inside.

 

[treetx]

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[MasterBlaster]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age.

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some "Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damned hole!"

 

[CurSedVoyce]

 

[TheTreeWiseMen]

Booze....the cause of and the solution to most of my problems...

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame . Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell

happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. '

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!'

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza.'

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ' Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

[TheTreeWiseMen]

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into

trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought

she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course,

thought she did.



Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on

her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him

why she deserved a bike for her birthday.



Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God
a letter.



LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike

for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Carol



Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl

this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.



LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this

year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol



Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and

started again.



LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I

will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol



Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get

her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told

her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan

had worked because Carol looked very sad.



"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She

looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the

Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down

the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and

sat down and wrote her letter to God.



LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO.

 

[MasterBlaster]

A tourist walked into a Brighton (it's in England)curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Manchester Utd supporter and anything French!"

 

[Banned by Squirrels]

Good one!

 

[Treequip]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. One confirmed it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
##########################################

A guy goes to the local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him about his previous employer. He replies: "The army. I served in the Royal Artillery for three years. Last duty in Iraq".

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." The guy adds "And previously in Afghanistan" The interviewer says, "Great, even more points for that."

The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer says, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come in at 10:00?"

"This is the local council you'll be working for," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls. Not much point in you coming in for that."
##################################
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.

 

[TheTreeWiseMen]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders.

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! '...With an attitude he asked 'And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now '

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

 

[TheTreeWiseMen]

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...



Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 year s ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.



Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this c ar and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an emp ty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

 

[Paul B]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the European
Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as
"Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped
in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards
kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm
in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced
with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes
are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

 

[TheTreeWiseMen]

Australian letter of the year. (Contains STRONG language).

This is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT Minster, The Hon Alexander Downer and the then Immigration, The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone. The Government tried in desperation to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!

Please excuse the language contained within, but I suspect the author was somewhat upset? I'll let you decide!



Another happy customer of the Federal government.

A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that we are far more direct and outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected wanker who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate.

Below is one such wonderful communication...

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely friggin' astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, and then you ask me for my friggin' address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another friggin' copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too friggin' easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our friggin' heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ...you friggin' morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN friggin' PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all friggin' idiots.

 

[CurSedVoyce]

OK now that was funny RED TAPE LMAO

 

[CurSedVoyce]

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down
your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a cold with a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives....yo u'll be afraid to sneeze, much less cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does,use the
duct tape.

8. When confused remember.....everyone seems normal UNTIL you get to know them.

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.