The Tree House loves TreeStuff!

The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

Thor's Hammer

Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
Joined
May 5, 2005
Messages
4,982
Location
Land of Dragons
Capitalism defined
I'll explain what's what in the bewildering world of economic globalism...

AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

BRITISH CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.
You shoot one and get a vet to give the other one the all clear and then declare there is no problem with BSE in your country.

CHINESE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who falsely reported the number of cows.

EU CAPITALISM
You have twelve cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it buys three from you, shoots three, milks the other three and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing three mad cows.

INDIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You worship them both.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

JEWISH CAPITALISM:
You don't have any cows but that doesn't stop you opening a milk factory, an ice cream parlour and selling the world movie rights.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You count them and realize you have four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you have eleventy-one cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realise that eleventy-one isn't a real number. You count the cows again and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy-one cows.

WELSH CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You shag them both.

REAL LIFE CAPITALISM:
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you the money to buy any cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as security.
You go mad and shoot yourself.
 

Thor's Hammer

Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
Joined
May 5, 2005
Messages
4,982
Location
Land of Dragons
Tony Blair in Horrific tragedy!

The Tragedy of Tony Blair
The Prime Minister gets a lesson in sematics

Prime Minister, Tony Blair, was visiting a school when a teacher asked him if he would care to lead the class discussion on semantics. Tony, having just escaped a mauling by the BBC's Jeremy 'Rotweiler' Paxman by the skin of his lying teeth, smugly chose the word ‘tragedy' and asked the class to give an example of its use.

One boy stood up and said, “If my girlfriend, Suzie, who lives on a farm, was playing near the cesspit, and fell in, and her dad stuck a fork through her chest and killed her, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Blair, “that would be an accident.”

Then a pretty, dark haired girl called Keli, raised her hand and suggested shyly: “If there was, like, a nucla war dat killed all da blokes but left da girls alive and da last bloke on earth lost his testicles in a shaving accident, that would be like, a REAL tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not.” Said slimey Tone. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room in vain for an upraised hand. “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a correct definition of the word 'tragedy?”

Finally, a scruffily dressed blonde right at the very back of the room raised her grubby hand. In an an uncertain voice she said: “If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, the cabinet and Mr Bush was struck by a ‘friendly’ missile fired by an American helicopter gunship and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Blair. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well...” replied the girl, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
 

Thor's Hammer

Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
Joined
May 5, 2005
Messages
4,982
Location
Land of Dragons
For our American Cousins, heres a little bit of translation...
Funny English Definitions for the Dyslexic

Antelope (v): to run off with your mother’s sister.
Assassination (n): an arrangement to meet a donkey.
Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef.
Basket (n): a short nap in the sun.
Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby.
Collonade (n): fizzy enema.
Defence (n): something to sit on for people who can’t make up their minds.
Diarrhoea (n) a very unattractive bottom.
Dictator (n): hilariously shaped, edible tuber.
Dipthong (v): to wash a lady's undergarment.
Diversion (n): Princess of Wales' version of the events that led to her divorce.
Dumpling (n): small lump of excrement.
Gastronome (n): small person prone to excess wind.
Harbinger (n): hard drinker.
Hatchet (n): small, bird droppings that fall from the sky.
Headband (n): top of the bill at a rock concert.
Hormone (n): the sound a prostitute makes when she's not been paid.
Hobnob (n): cooking accident often suffered by nudists.
Homophobe (n): strong dislike of The Simpsons.
Honeydew (n: women who regularly arrive late for appointments.
Induction (n): induced labour in a duck.
Innuendo (n): Italian suppository.
Intercontinental (n): person who has wet themselves all over the world.
Labiate (v): perform cunnilingus.
Laminate (v): to artificially inseminate a sheep.
Limpet (n): male who has trouble getting an erection.
Lobster (n): colloquial term for a female who ejaculates during orgasm.
Mantrap (n): sexual favour used by women to obtain money from men.
Mastiff (n): mass erections induced by watching pornography.
Menopause (n): break in conversation to allow men to get a word in edgeways.
Minjita (n) (slang): an Indian lesbian.
Misfit (n): an attractive young woman.
Mislay (n): a brazen or promiscuous young woman.
Morbific (n): excessively violent.
Multilingual (n): engaging in cunnilingus with multiple partners.
Negligent (n): cross-dresser.
Ostentatious: make and model of a pre-war British luxury car.
Outage (n): process of exposing a Gay politician.
Portent (n): The Millennium Dome.
Propaganda (n): a wooden support for one-legged male geese.
Rapscallion (n): Black, American spring onion.
Rectitude (n): Precise angle at which a rectal thermometer should be inserted.
Reflex (v): renew wiring to an electrical appliance.
Restitution (n): sanatorium for lactating women.
Skulduggery (n): archaeological excavation.
Snuff box (n): slang term for a coffin.
Spade (n): small surgical tool for removing ovaries.
Testator (n): a male who is constantly adjusting his genitalia.
Titillate (n): delayed onset of female puberty.
Titular (n & adj): busty woman.
Vagrant: (n): confused insect.
Willy-nilly (n): male who continually catches their penis in their zipper
 

GASoline71

'cause chicks dig scars
Joined
Nov 13, 2005
Messages
3,578
Location
The Great Pacific Northwest
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.




Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.




Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.




Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.




Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.



 

MasterBlaster

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Mar 6, 2005
Messages
97,271
Location
Louisiana!
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.



Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight



Paddy.



Paddy replies, “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”



Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.



”Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.



He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, “Shoite, Shoite!”







He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.



He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.



He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,



Feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.







”Bi’Jesus... I’m fokin’ smashed,” he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.



He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fokin’ way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can make it to the bed.” He



takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.



He says “Fok it” and falls into bed.







The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup



Of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”







Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fokin’ pissed. But how’d you know?”



”Mick phoned, you left your wheelchair at the pub.”
 

darkstar

Rockclimber/ treeclimber
Joined
Aug 5, 2005
Messages
1,526
Location
chattavagas
You made it sound so real.I got family over the pond and heard that nearly the same way. Where did you learn that talk?
 
R

RaisedByWolves

Guest
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line...just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too."
 

MasterBlaster

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Mar 6, 2005
Messages
97,271
Location
Louisiana!
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights Flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly speedster as he floored it to 100mph, then110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
 
A

aussie

Guest
thats a good one old climber!

A Fleeing Taliban, desparate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked "My thirst is killing me, do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied "I have no water, would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted "You idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need Water!"

"Ok" said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will fine a lovely restaurant! Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.

The Jew said "I told you, about two miles over the hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right" rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
 

MasterBlaster

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Mar 6, 2005
Messages
97,271
Location
Louisiana!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "
I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps towel and runs back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
 

NickfromWI

King of Splices
Joined
Mar 30, 2005
Messages
4,994
Location
Snowless California
Two muffins are in the oven.... First muffin mumbles, "man, it's getting hot in here."

The second muffin screams, "AHHHHHH ......A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
 
K

Koa Man

Guest
There, that ought to offend just about everybody. :P
Well, I'm not black, French, Mexican or Jew so I thought it was pretty funny. Actually ethnic jokes are very common in Hawaii and we poke fun at all the races. A popular stand up comic here, Frank Delima, has his long career primarily based on ethnic jokes.
 

treetx

Traveler extraordinaire
Joined
Mar 7, 2005
Messages
2,173
Location
Austin, TX
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a Set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100
dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of
production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as
a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the Logger makes $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production
es.............
 

TC3

Headache !
Joined
Aug 12, 2006
Messages
1,505
Location
Michigan
Oh, my. You gotta love that.
I figger it's somebody else's turn, who better than Latinos ?
 
K

Koa Man

Guest
During a hard day at work carrying brush and logs uphill, two groundies were talking and wondering, "How come only he da climber and us gotta do the hard labor?" One says, "I dunno, lunch time I going ask the boss." During lunch break one goes and asks the boss, "How come only he da climber and us the labor?" The boss tells him, "Go ask the climber." So he goes and asks the climber. "Eh, how come only you the climber and us gotta do the hard labor?" The climber replies, "It is very complicated and I don't have time to explain so I am going to show you." He places his hand in front of a tree and tells the groundie, "Go ahead and hit my hand." The groundie thinks to himself, now is my chance to get even. He winds up and punches with all he's got. At the last second, the climber moves his hand and the groundie punches the tree. Man that hurt like a m-f!

After lunch they are back humping brush and logs and the other groundie asks, "Eh, you wen find out how come he the climber and us the hard labor?" The other groundie tells him, "I no mo time for explain so I going show you" He holds his hand in front of his face and tells the other groundie, "Go ahead, hit my hand."
 
B

Banned by Squirrels

Guest
Yup, you gotta be smarter than the average bear...
 
The Tree House Loves TreeStuff!
Top