The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

The Perfect Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The
only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer
who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window
from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and
then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game
of football ...... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks
him what he wants; all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.
You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the
greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"
 
A monk gives a vendor a 5 dollar bill and the hotdog exchanges hands. A few tense moments pass as the monk stares at the hotdog man with and expectant look on his face. The monk is becoming annoyed and asks the vendor for his change as he paid 5 dollars for a 2 dollar hotdog. The vendor looks at the monk and replies "First, change must come from within"
 
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing which he concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"

"Oh Dear God, no!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president cradled his head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looked up and asked "How many is a Brazillion??!"



I know, it's kinda old... :|:
 
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!
 
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me!"
 
Here is one I though of after the joke posted by Butch here

http://gypoclimber.com/showpost.php?p=72194&postcount=93

Here it goes:
kind of gross/funny

4 contractor were sitting on their tailgates eating lunch at their company's softball game. They all had their dogs with them. They all bragged about how their dog's bathroom habits were.

The framing contractor says his waste is long, hard and his dog glady demomstrates.

The plumbing contractor says his dog's is long and hollow but only does it downhill. His dog also demontstrates it.

The electrical contractor says his dog's is long, and thing and twists and turns, but never crosses. His dog puts on a show, and all are impressed.

The finish contractor says his can beat all of their dogs. He doesnt say anything, but lets the dog put on the show. He lets loose a nice gold-covered, shiny one.

The point.... any contractor can put up $hit, but a finish contractor can polish a turd 15 different ways from sunday :D
 
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
 
How do you know you are at a gay picnic? ...the hotdogs taste like shit.

Gary

I could have gone AAAAALLLL day without that one. Blech.

(good one, though!)

Along those lines, "What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver?"

Mark Spitz
Greg Swallows
 
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At
the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling along side the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
 
Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.

"OK", he says, "Come on in!"

The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too. St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.

She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.

St. Peter replies, "OK. Come on in. But you can only stay three days."
 
At the Pearly Gates

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

(This was blatently ripped off from HERE )
 
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. Tha Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thing. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck . The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!!"
 
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? MATT

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot of boiling water? STU

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs towed behind a boat? SKIP

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? BILL

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging an a wall? ART

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch? PHIL

What do you call a woman with one leg? ILENE

What do you call the same woman in Japan? IRENE

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? LEAN BEEF

What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND BEEF

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Gary
 
Have you heard about the two duck hunters from Wisconsin? Absolutely a true story heard on a Wisconsin radio station reporting on the incident.


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
(with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin.
It's mid-winter;and of course all of the lakes are
frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their
GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They
decide they want to make a natural looking open
water area for the ducks to focus on, something for
the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite
a passing duck, is going to take a little more
power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a
stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now
our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip
on the ice while trying to run away after lighting
the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the
Navigator), decide on the following course of
action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a
mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as
far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I
mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG?

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black
Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown
by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off
across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs
the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40 second
fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their
arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to
resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at
the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered
on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots
the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot,
hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused, then
continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog,
still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have
gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover,
UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red
hot exhaust pipe on the Navigator touches the
dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under
the Navigator and takes off after his master.

Then BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the
bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots
standing there with "I can't believe this just
happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle
in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT
COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to
make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay, doing fine.

:D
 
That reminds me of what my Dad said to me when i was showing him how I had trained my Chocolate Lab for duck/goose hunting.

After watching Yukon make a dozen or so retrieves on command (he is also whistle trained), my Dad said, "Wow Gary, you wouldn't wanna be throwin' dynamite with him around!":lol:

Gary
 
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana , was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The STRONG delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux Convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."
 
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