The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[MasterBlaster]

My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.
My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.
My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.
My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
My dick has better credit than I do.
My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
My dick is so big, it has casters.
My dick is so big, I'm already friggin' a girl tomorrow.
My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor.
My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.
My dick is so big, it lives next door.
My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
My dick is so big, it votes.
My dick is a better dresser than I am.
My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.
My dick runs the 440 in 15 seconds
My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first.
My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee.
My dick was once the ambassador to China.
My dick is so big, it's gone condo.
My dick hit .370 in the minors before it hurt its knee.
My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than he was on the team.
My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.
It's so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn't get wet.
My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn't so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.
My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper.
My dick is so big, it has feet.
My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.
My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.
My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.
My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms.
My dick is so big, it has investors.
My dick is so big, it seats six.
My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a cock ring.
My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.
My dick is so big, it has an opening act.
My dick is so big I can frig an elevator shaft.
My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box.
My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.
My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through.
My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.
My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.
If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am.
My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie.
My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light.
My dick is so big, Trump owns it.
My dick is so big that we're all a part of it, and it's all a part of us.
My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row.
My dick is so big, that it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.
My dick is so big, you can't blow me without a ladder.
My dick is so big, it only does one show a night.
My dick is so big, you can ski down it.
My dick is so big, it has an elbow.
My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly.
My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer.
My dick is so big, that right now it's in the other room fixing us drinks.
My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome.
My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty.
My dick is so big, there's a sneaker named "Air My Dick"
My dick is so big, I'm it's bitch.
My dick is so big, it's against the law to frig me without protective headgear.
My dick is so big, I could frig a tuba.
My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.
My dick is so big, it has its own gravity
NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick.
My dick is so big, it's impossible to see all of it without a satellite.
The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars.
My dick is so big, it has a spine.
My dick is so big, it has a basement.
My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.
My dick is more muscular than I am.
My dick is so big it has cable.
My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws.
My dick is so big, it has its own page in the Sierra Club calendar.
My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line.
My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a blow job in Tennessee.
My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free.
My dick is so big, I can braid it.
My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls.
My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, white, and blue and used it as a flag.
My dick is so big, I can sit on it.
My dick is so big, it can chew gum.
My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds.
My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches.
My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement.
My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
My dick is so big, when I get hard my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck.
My dick is so big, you're standing on it.
My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it.
My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president.
My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.
My dick is so big, it has an agent. My dick's people will call your people. Let's have lunch with my dick.
My dick is so big, it's right behind you.

 

[JonnyHart]

What's the difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love?




Wayne takes a shower after the third period.

 

[Paul B]

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to

Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get

out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the

store.



Dear Mrs. Fenton,



Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in

our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our

stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance

equipment.



All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.



Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts

when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.



3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

restrooms.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code

3' in housewares... and watched what happened.



5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on

layaway.



6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers

he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.



8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him him, he begins to cry and

asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'



9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and

picked his nose.



10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk

if he knows where to find the antidepressants.



11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission

Impossible" theme.



12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using

different size funnels.



13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled

"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"



14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the

fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"



And last, but not least .



15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then

yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

 

[SkwerI]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you are the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

 

[Paul B]

HAHAHAHA

 

[RReedy]

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly an airhead), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife replied, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

* * * *

Two airheads are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second airhead says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first airhead hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

* * * *

An airhead suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The airhead replies, "Shut up! You're next!"

 

[SkwerI]

One Saturday afternoon in Washington, D. C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint. The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views." Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. John Kerry is a liar, a cheat, and a thief.

John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here in Washington and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint.

 

[cybergeek23851]

Now that's a good political joke Brian...

 

[RReedy]

Dearest Husband........

>
>Before you return from your business trip, I want you to know that I had a
>little accident while driving your precious pickup truck. Fortunately,
>there is not too much damage, and I didn't get hurt, so you don't have to
>worry about that.
>
>I was coming home from shopping at the mall, and as I was turning into our
>driveway, the cell phone rang. I answered it, and it was Sylvia. She told
>me she was still at the mall, and do you remember that cute little shoe
>store that I love? Well, she said they were having a storewide clearance
>sale! I got so excited when I heard that, that my foot slipped off the
>brake and I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator pedal! The garage
>door is slightly bent, and the pickup came to a halt when it bumped my car.
> Don't worry, your motorcycle and you beer chest did not get damaged at
>all!
>
>I am really sorry this happened, but I know that you are so worried that I
>could have been hurt in this silly little accident, that you will forgive
>me. You are so kind hearted, and you know how much I love and care for
>you.
>
>I will be staying at my mothers for a few days, until the garage door is
>fixed, so you can reach me there. In fact, why don't you stay at that
>hotel and play golf with your buddies, until I get this little mess cleaned
>up-----I really don't want you to have to worry about me, or the garage
>door-----the nice young man from the insurance company is helping me make
>it all better.
>
>I will call you when it is all fixed up. I just can't wait to hold you in
>my arms again!
>Your loving wife,
>XOXOXOXOXO
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

 

[NeTree]

DOH!!!

 

[RReedy]

An airhead was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The airhead replies, "Oh, that's easy...W."

* * * *

What did the airhead ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

* * * *

Bambi, an airhead in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


* * * *

Returning home from work, an airhead was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

 

[cybergeek23851]

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged


1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and ...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8 . Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells ..

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My
House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House
in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While
I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

 

[TC3]

That was a hoot, CyberGeekyNess ! But # 12 has me confused ? >>> Never heard of it ? Guess I live a sheltered (agoraphobic ?) life ?!?

 

[cybergeek23851]

That was a hoot, CyberGeekyNess ! But # 12 has me confused ? >>> Never heard of it ? Guess I live a sheltered (agoraphobic ?) life ?!?

I still remebered the link on psychological disordered in children

Here you go Theresa

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/60/67118.htm

 

[pete mctree]

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

 

[RReedy]

 

[roller]

Paddy and Murphy,sitting on the floor ,Paddy fell off

 

[roller]

2 Irish forgers got caught ,they were filing the edges off 50p coins to make 10p's


did you know an irish man invented the toilet seat? 2 years later an english man put the hole in it!

 

[RReedy]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. And wouldn't you know, I haven't had the flu all winter."

 

[RReedy]

Corporate Slackers...

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[MasterBlaster]

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their abuelo.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'.

There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'.

And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'.

And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The friggin' Mexican'."

 

[J.W.]

Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter....
Jill came down with two fifty!

 

[NeTree]

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water;

Jack fell down on top of Jill,

and now they have a daughter.

 

[sotc]

butch's famous last words thread reminded me of this one
whats the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits the wind sheild?
its butt



sorry i love dumb jokes

 

[Stumper]

GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' , her boyfriend."

The minister fainted!