The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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sotc
Dormant hero!!
i love dumb jokes! hahaha
S
Sparko
Guest
Paddy and Mick walking down the street, see a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted", Paddy turns to Mick and says " Well isn't dat a shame dat Seamus isn't here, we could have had that job!"
sotc
Dormant hero!!
i had to think for a sec 
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
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MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
ha!
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any
stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to
single digits or below.
About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658
responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road
outside Shattuck He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with
the engine still running.
Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper
walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind
the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window.
Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State
Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the
gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was
showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the
snow .. wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next
to the speeding, but still stationary car.
The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually
keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the
Trooper yelled at the man to ..
'Pull over!'
The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to
say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still
shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run
50 miles per hour.
stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to
single digits or below.
About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658
responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road
outside Shattuck He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with
the engine still running.
Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper
walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind
the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window.
Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State
Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the
gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was
showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the
snow .. wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next
to the speeding, but still stationary car.
The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually
keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the
Trooper yelled at the man to ..
'Pull over!'
The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to
say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still
shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run
50 miles per hour.
J
JonnyHart
Guest
Hahahaha!
Is Dumas, Texas pronounced the way it should be in a story like that?
Is Dumas, Texas pronounced the way it should be in a story like that?
sotc
Dormant hero!!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
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T
TreeDr
Guest
excuses
Excuses
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
=====================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Excuses
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
=====================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
R
RReedy
Guest
A duck walks into a drug store and asks the clerk, "do you have any grapes?". The clerk looks at him and says "no, this is a drug store, there is a grocery store at the next block." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the drug store again, and asks the clerk again, "do you have any grapes?". The clerk looks at him annoyed, and says "no, grocery store, one block down." The duck leaves again. The next day, the duck again walks into the drug store, and again asks the clerk the same question. But this time the clerk is angry, and tells the duck: this is the third time you have been in here to ask if we sell grapes, and three times I have told you that this is a drug store, that we do not have grapes, and that there is a grocery in the next block. Now get out of here, and if you EVER come in here again I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the FLOOR! THE NEXT DAY: the SAME duck walks into the SAME drug store, but this time stops, looks around carefully, and asks the SAME clerk "do you have any nails?". The clerk looks at him at him, shakes his head, and says "no...". "Well, then," says the duck, "do you have any grapes?"
vharrison
Island Girl
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Back in the early 60's a good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
S
Sparko
Guest
>Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the
>bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the
>splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her
>husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
>
>Bruce came running in.
>
>"Bruce, I've bloody well suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
>
>"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.
>
>I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."
>
>They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
>
>"No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's try Plan B."
>
>"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
>
>"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under
>her," replied Wayne.
>
>"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
>with her nipples."
>
>"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that
>mate!"
>
>"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
>slide
>her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper ...."
>bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the
>splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her
>husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
>
>Bruce came running in.
>
>"Bruce, I've bloody well suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
>
>"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.
>
>I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."
>
>They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
>
>"No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's try Plan B."
>
>"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
>
>"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under
>her," replied Wayne.
>
>"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
>with her nipples."
>
>"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that
>mate!"
>
>"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
>slide
>her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper ...."
BLONDE IN THE SNOW
>
> It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility
> was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.
> She made her way to her car and wondered
> how she was going to make it home.
>
> She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about
> her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's
> advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she
> should wait for a snow plow to come
> by and follow it. That way she
> would not get stuck in
> a snow drift.
>
> This made her feel much better and sure enough in a
> little while a snow plow went by and she started to
> follow it. As she followed the snow plow
> she was feeling very smug as they
> continued and she was not
> having any problem
> with the blizzard
> conditions.
>
> After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised
> when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out
> and came back to her car and signaled for
> her to roll down her window.
>
> The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right
> as she had been following him for a long time.She
> said that she was fine and told him of her
> daddy's advice to follow a snow plow
> when caught in a blizzard.
>
> The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could
> continue if she wanted, but he was done with the
> Wal-Mart parking lot and was going
> over to Sears next.
>
> It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility
> was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.
> She made her way to her car and wondered
> how she was going to make it home.
>
> She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about
> her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's
> advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she
> should wait for a snow plow to come
> by and follow it. That way she
> would not get stuck in
> a snow drift.
>
> This made her feel much better and sure enough in a
> little while a snow plow went by and she started to
> follow it. As she followed the snow plow
> she was feeling very smug as they
> continued and she was not
> having any problem
> with the blizzard
> conditions.
>
> After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised
> when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out
> and came back to her car and signaled for
> her to roll down her window.
>
> The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right
> as she had been following him for a long time.She
> said that she was fine and told him of her
> daddy's advice to follow a snow plow
> when caught in a blizzard.
>
> The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could
> continue if she wanted, but he was done with the
> Wal-Mart parking lot and was going
> over to Sears next.
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, &
knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, &
she says "Hi, my name is Heather & you're losing
some of your load." The trucker ignores her & proceeds
down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up &
knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the
window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
>says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, & you're
losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the
trucker ignores her again & continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car,
runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is
Heather, & you're losing some of your load!" When the
light turns green, the trucker revs up & races to the
next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly
gets out of the truck, & runs back to the blonde. He
knocks on her window, & after she lowers it, he
says....
"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Colorado & I'm
speading de-icer!"
__________________________________________________
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, &
knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, &
she says "Hi, my name is Heather & you're losing
some of your load." The trucker ignores her & proceeds
down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up &
knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the
window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
>says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, & you're
losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the
trucker ignores her again & continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car,
runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is
Heather, & you're losing some of your load!" When the
light turns green, the trucker revs up & races to the
next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly
gets out of the truck, & runs back to the blonde. He
knocks on her window, & after she lowers it, he
says....
"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Colorado & I'm
speading de-icer!"
__________________________________________________
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
...
...
...
...
...
...
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
...
...
...
...
...
...
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up fro m his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the
kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment, then asks "Where's my toast?"
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up fro m his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the
kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment, then asks "Where's my toast?"
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Good ol' Frank
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more, He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too, he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his f*cking widow."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more, He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too, he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his f*cking widow."
tntree
Just slice it
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line
to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!! I was
feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works
is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified,
she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital?
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car
hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the
door.
to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!! I was
feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works
is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified,
she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital?
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car
hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the
door.
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