SkwerI
Treehouser
I remember it was one of my grandmother's favorite shows when I was very young (5-8 ) and I continued watching it well into my 20s. Funny stuff! I also remember 'What's My Line' and 'The Newlywed Game'. 
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
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- Views 506K
N
Newfie
Guest
Those were funny Brian. Paul Lynde in the center square. Long time ago.
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Many believed this day would never come, but in a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.
Today, I thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.
Today, I thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.
Attachments
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Are you in the right thread?
sotc
Dormant hero!!
i got a kick outta it, oj movin to jail
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Dunno, I thought so. It was sent to me as a 'joke'.
Dave Shepard
Square peg, round world.
Borrowed from another forum 
A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... It was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'
A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... It was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahaha!
N
NeTree
Guest
Computer Tech Support
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
N
NeTree
Guest
TOOLS EXPLAINED BY AN ENGINEER
>
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
> vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where
> nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
> say, 'Oh s#@t'
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
>
> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
> creation of blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
> minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
> bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
> transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
> inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
> wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
> into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
> the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
> strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
> lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
> on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
> to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
> adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
> contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
> bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
> parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
> in use.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
> garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
> often, the next tool that you will need.
>
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
> vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where
> nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
> say, 'Oh s#@t'
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
>
> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
> creation of blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
> minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
> bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
> transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
> inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
> wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
> into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
> the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
> strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
> lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
> on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
> to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
> adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
> contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
> bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
> parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
> in use.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
> garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
> often, the next tool that you will need.
N
NeTree
Guest
Long read, but funny...
http://www.ebolamonkeyman.com/Ablert_Fred1.html
http://www.ebolamonkeyman.com/Ablert_Fred1.html
Tree Reb
TreeHouser
Long?
N
NeTree
Guest
Oh, I didn't think an Aussie would get it, anyways.
Dave Shepard
Square peg, round world.
There is no way I have the patience to read all that, but I did skim it. Looked like a good prank. In skimming, I mis-read Agnus's name as Angus. That added a certain bizarre element to the whole thing.
HAMMER: Tool used to make blood shoot out from under your fingernails, works quite well.
Tree Reb
TreeHouser
Oh, I didn't think an Aussie would get it, anyways.
Oh I got it OK, I did read it all, you have to.
I was getting mail from them 20 years ago, [still have some]
What's really funny is people are still falling for it. http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,24883904-5005962,00.html
N
NeTree
Guest
I think anyone dumb enough to fall for it deserved to get taken.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer, but the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half... which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is...
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer, but the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half... which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is...
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly.
Tree Reb
TreeHouser
I was really happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the
front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Moral is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the
front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Moral is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...
NICKNAMES
- If Laura, Kate and Sara go out for lunch, they will call each other - Lara, Kate and Sara. - If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Ace, or Big-Dog........
EATING OUT
- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. - None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. - When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. - A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . - The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
- A woman has the last word in any argument. - Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. - A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. - A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. - A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. - A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. - Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
- Ahhh children. A woman knows all about her children. - She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. - A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
- If Laura, Kate and Sara go out for lunch, they will call each other - Lara, Kate and Sara. - If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Ace, or Big-Dog........
EATING OUT
- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. - None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. - When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. - A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . - The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
- A woman has the last word in any argument. - Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. - A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. - A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. - A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. - A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. - Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
- Ahhh children. A woman knows all about her children. - She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. - A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SkwerI
Treehouser
Need a job? Advertise on Craigslist
From the Best of Craigslist:
What the frig people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am friggin' fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE frig?!
Cover Letter? Here's my friggin' cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a dick if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherfucker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! frig NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? frig IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll friggin' show you!
OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.
SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop
RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people
GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a friggin' Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.
REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com
Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com
So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.
Sincerely,
Steve Madonna
stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com
remember.....anything.
From the Best of Craigslist:
What the frig people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am friggin' fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE frig?!
Cover Letter? Here's my friggin' cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a dick if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherfucker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! frig NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? frig IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll friggin' show you!
OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.
SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop
RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people
GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a friggin' Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.
REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com
Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com
So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.
Sincerely,
Steve Madonna
stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com
remember.....anything.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Uhhhh, we'll call you, Steve. DON'T call us.
N
NeTree
Guest
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in MASSACHUSETTS and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in MASSACHUSETTS and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"
N
NeTree
Guest
At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
Put these words
upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom...'
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It's time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Privilege Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
So Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Use Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the hell happened?
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
Put these words
upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom...'
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It's time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Privilege Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
So Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Use Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the hell happened?
B
Bounce
Guest
Isn't this the joke thread? That wasn't very funny.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
That was one of those "dry" jokes.
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