The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

This is from a web site called craigslist.org


To the Stinky Hippy Dude...

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Date: 2005-11-10, 8:11PM PST


Ok, now I know here in Santa Cruz, people are pretty laid back. Mostly. That’s fine.

I also know that, for the most part, people are accepting of all manner of things, the weirder the better. Like the pink dude who walks around downtown with a pink umbrella and pink lace tutu practically every day. Good for him.

You, stinky hippy dude, while I don’t mind that you smell of sandalwood (sometimes) and pot (most of the time), I do mind that you smelled, this Wednesday, like a porta potty left out in the sun for a month. Guarded by a wet dog.

Why?

I understand that you don’t buy clothes because it’s “supporting the captatalistic (sp) system of exploitation and mind-mind manipulation,” fine fine.

I also understand that you don’t use regular soap because it’s “cruelty to the environment and it pollutes the rain forests, dude” (explain how my soap gets directly into the rainforests, please).

I further understand that you’ve the need to be “closer to Mother Earth” by refusing to wear shoes (why why why why why why WHY did you cross your legs in the chair next to me, during a 3 hour lecture, hippy dude? With your feet sticking out, dirty-soles towards those seated left and right of you... WHY? I didn’t need to see your toes encrusted with all manner of “Mother Earth’s blessings”. I didn’t need to see the calluses on your feet, so thick that there was dirt caught in the crags...).

You’re a vegan. That’s fine (I won’t even point out that the only reason our brains are the size that they are is that our ancestors went over to a carcass and muttered to themselves in pre-language “mmm... looks good”. Animal meat = high source of fatty energy. High source of fatty energy + fire = more food for brain development. More food for brain development = animals that can do calculus) (not this animal, however) (ook).

You’re gentle on the environment.

Good good.

But, please. You’re not gentle on the rest of us bi-pedal mammals... not on our eyes, not on our ears (you’re tone deaf, you do know that right?) and most importantly of all... not on our noses. Respect this bi-pedal critter... Take a bath. Or hell, it’s been raining lately, go stand out in it, with your feet in a puddle, and splash around a bit. Get naked and embrace the showers of Mother Sky. Spray yourself with some sandalwood oil and try, at least, to pick the bits of leaf debris and dead bugs (I saw one, he didn’t look too happy) out of your dreadlocks (dreads on a white dude. Need I comment?)

So hippy dude, while it’s cool that you’re full of fire and passion about everything on this great oasis in a seemingly endless sea of oblivion...

Pay attention to the little bits of it. Like your toes. And your beard (well I suppose it’s a beard, it could be a dead hamster that got stuck to your chin).

Go swim in a lake, I’m sure all the bits that would float off of you would like to be re-united with Mother Earth. They miss their home.

Oh, and brush your teeth. That twig thing you chew on all the time looks disgusting. Stop sticking it behind your ear.

The shiny bits haunt my brain..
 
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who
lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you
know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It
took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was
worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot
will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Love,
Mama.

:D :D :D
 
3 Generals and an Admiral were discussing what takes "guts".

After some heated arguments they decided they would "show" what takes guts...

The Marine Corps General throws a grenade in the direction of a Marine. "Marine! Jump on that grenade!" Shouts the General.

"SIR YESSIR!" Then the Marine jumps on the grenade. KABOOM! The marine is blown to bits.

"You see... now that takes "guts". Boasts the General.

The Army General hollers to a Soldier. "Private! Jump in that Humvee and drive it through that minefield!"

"SIR YESSIR!" The private jumps in the humvee and gets about halfway across the minefield... KABOOM! The Private is blown to bits.

"You see... that there takes "guts". Brags the General.

The Air Force General yells to an Airman. "Airman! Take that F-16 and fly it to 10,000 feet and eject with no parachute!"

"SIR YESSIR!" The Airman gets to 10,000 feet and ejects... SPLAT! The Airman is smashed into bits on the ground.

"You see... that takes "guts".

The Admiral rolls his eyes... he yells to a Sailor working atop the mast of an Aircraft Carrier. "Sailor! I want you to jump off the mast onto the pier!"

"Are you fuckin' crazy! frig YOU OLD MAN!!!"

The Admiral looks at the 3 Generals stading mouths agape... "Now you see gentelemen... THAT takes "guts".

:) :) Gary
 
When my dad was a lad he was an electronics tech on a destroyer. In the midst of a gale the first officer ordered him to go ub and rehang an antenna fro something or other. The task involved having to drill new mounting holes ina plate in order to secure th antenna to the mast. Tincans are known for a certain propensity to roll and in the high winds and rough seas she was rolling pretty well-enough that dad found himself looking down at water on alternating sides of the ship rather than deck. On about the second hole the bit stuck and the 1/2 inch drill yanked him out of the bo'suns chair where he found himself hanging by one arm on a half inch drill and a jammed bit. He managed to get back to a ladder and descended where the thoroughly scared and POed teenage enlisted man told the XO that if he wanted the bleeping thing hung in the bleeping storm he could go do it his own bleeping self. He didn't get into trouble -It seems the Old Man was really perturbed by his XO giving very stupid orders.
 
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to the pearly gates. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?
 
Three Minute Management Course
-----------------------------------------------------------
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson
- To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
____________________________________

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull$hit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
_____________________________________
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who $hits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of $hit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep $hit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
_____________________________________
This ends your three-minute management course.


Stolen from the Buzz...
 
catholic math humor...

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it, and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in m ath. She cou ld no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fawking around.......
 
Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to
his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
 
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say, "It is shit.
Wanna buy a toothbrush?​
 
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image."
The Blacks said, "Are you kidding? A black image of the Lord? Have mercy! Nobody would believe it anyway!"

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
"I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
 
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with
his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...
they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS
DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
__________________
 
God and his children...

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"


"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"


"No Way!"


"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.



"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.




"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it! "
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk.. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU ! HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:


"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
 
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his

grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new

location.



Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he

cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the

photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half,

but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she

won't notice.



A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... it makes your

nose look too short.



Love, Grandma"
 
Brotherly Love

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year-old little brother."

The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."
 
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