The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

There was a mafia group looking for a hitman,they were gonna pay whoever this may be 1 million dollars to make this hit.They didn't know how to go about finding anyone,so they put an ad in the local newspaper that read "1,000,000 dollars paid for less than a days work...
Of course they got a helluva response,so out of all the applicants,they narrowed the selection down to three...A few days later they bring these three guys into their office and they told them no matter what,they had to do everything they told them.They locked the three guys in a room for the rest of the day,then they came back later that evening with their first task.
The leader said..OK we've kidnapped each of your wifes and they are in three seperate rooms.I want you to take this gun and walk in there and shoot your wife in the head.
The first guy walks in stayed in about ten minutes,then walked out sobbing and said.."I just can't do it,I love her too much"..
The next guy goes and comes back out and says..I just can't do it and leave my kids without a mama..
The next guy goes busting into the room where his wife was and unloads the gun,then they hear one hell of a fight coming from the room...Then silence....The guy comes back barely able to walk and is all beat up....He said,"Why didn't you tell me there was blanks in this damm gun?.I had to beat her to death with the chair!!"

A doctor walks into his office were a patient is anxiously awaiting results from a blood test “Mr Stirling there's good news and bad which do you want?”
bad news first
ok.. you have got 48 hours to live
whats the good
see that hot young nurse over there
yes
the one with the tight outfit
yes
and shes got big tits
yes
well.. im screwing her

I have bird flu, i know its bird flu cos i’m talking a load of bollocks and i’m having trouble parking the car.

took me a minute

guys are the biggest BS'ers & only think they're better drivers !

Good one, Sparko!!!

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the seashore."

Haha! That was terrible!

An elderly couple were sitting quietly on the porch in their rocking chairs enjoying a sunny afternoon fading into a pleasant evening.
All of a sudden..WHACK!!!.. the old lady cracks her husband across the shins with her cane.
"What the hell was that for ?"the old dude screamed.
"That's for 55 years of bad sex !" was the old lady's reply.
A few more moments passed and then WHACK !!! He lays his cane across her shins.
"You old bugger ! What the hell was that for ?" yelled the lady.

"That's for knowing the difference !"

An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's son walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

A true Guitar God!

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Whatever happened to YingWee?

TS

This is how we roll down here in Texas (wait for the end and see the bumpersticker).

http://www.dudehelp.com/free-funny-videos/811_ghost-riding-granny.html

TheTreeWiseMen said:

Click to expand...

Oops - you Brits may not get it. Her bumper sticker identified her with the University of Texas.

haha thats pretty funny!

One night, after couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware
that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by
running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He
ran his
hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded
to
run his hand gently down her side, sliding his and over her stomach,
and
then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on,
gently
feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further
down
the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of
her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right
thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little
to
better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to
his
side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"



Gary

ha! riiiiiight!

My wife moderates an all girls forum...One of her friends posted this:

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

eewwwwww!

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks
at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch,
and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well, it must be broken
because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast!"

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's
Wildfires. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the Firefighters
were doing as they battled the blazes.

When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke
was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his
getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested
permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local
County airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
hanger. He jumped
in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the
runway.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
"Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some
pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get
some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So,
what you're telling me, is...you're NOT my flight instructor?"...

Heard this on the radio today -

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride a bike!

haha i love it!


how many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 but i dont know how they got in there

how many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, "the bitch" can cook in the dark