The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
 
***


...One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt".

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husban took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the hell is this?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker. "Its not talcum powder; its 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!

:):D:lol::P


HC
 
clothes.png
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! “

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -These men Have
Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 -These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,’ she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a new Wives Store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
Ok - why don't women fart?



.


.


.


because they can not keep their mouth's shut long enough to build up back pressure.
 
Good one, hmm. :lol:

Here's my attempt:

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
 
Romance is in the air:

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Penquin on vacation. :hotsun:


A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."
 
A man in a wheel chair goes into a bar. He wheels up and orders his drink, and looking down the bar he sees Jesus Christ. "Hey bartender is that Jesus Christ?" He asks. "Yup." "Get him anything he wants its on me." A few minutes go by and Jesus finishes his drink and comes over to the man. He reaches out and pats him on the shoulder and says "Thank you very much for the drink." With that the man hops out of his chair. It's a miracle! He's been healed.

A deaf man walks into the bar and looks down and sees Jesus. "Bawtendew isssthat Jesthuth Christht?" "Yup." "Geev him anything he wantsth on meh." A few minutes later Jesus walks up to the man and shakes his hand and says "Thanks for the drink." These are the first words the deaf man has ever clearly heard, he's healed and he starts thanking Jesus.

A Redneck on crutches hobbles up to the bar and sees Jesus. "Hey Bartender! Is that there Jesus H. Christ over yonder?" "Yup." "Well you get him anything he wants and I'll pay for it." A few minutes later Jesus finishes his drink and walks over. He reaches out to shake his hand but before he can the Redneck jumps back and says "Naw, don't touch me! I'm on disability!"

---


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was as to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: 'Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque comes through. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I have already invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Yours Sincerely, Edna' The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, 'Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those theiving bastards at the Post Office. Yours Sincerely, Edna'.
__________________
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.

''Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own friggin' blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
 
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Hinckley to be released; You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain

PS: Barack Obama has been screwing the hell out of Jodie Foster. Thought you should know. ;)
 
I'd LMAO at that, but I've been a bit fearful that sum dum fuk might have Obama make history in more ways than one. Betcha Secret Service is doubling down.
 
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the
way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those
wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds
when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.
 
Hmm, very funny. :lol:

Young Woman Gives Birth.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

'I'm afraid I don't have a husband' she replies.

'OK do you have a boyfriend?' asks the Midwife.

'No, no boyfriend either.'

'Do you have a partner then?'

'No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.'

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

'You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.'

'Well,' replies the girl. 'I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black.'

'Oh, I'm very sorry,' says the midwife, 'that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.'

'Well yes,' the girl again replies, 'you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?'

'Oh, I'm sorry,' the midwife repeats, 'that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.'

'Well yes,' continues the girl, 'I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.'

At this the midwife again apologies, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, 'Well thank fxxx for that!'

'What do you mean?' says the shocked midwife.



'Well,' says the girl extremely relieved, 'I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!'
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Old Hollywood Squares Humor



If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
I remember that show, Brian. Especially the way Paul Linde used to have that goofy little laugh.

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