The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

The Elephant

An elephant never forgets - very touching story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after
graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike
through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood
deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting
knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a
rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted
loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of
that day.

Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the
Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached
the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son were
standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe,
lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't
help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe
summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around
one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the
railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.* THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........
WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

wife

Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell,
it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at
it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife ," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".

rotax

Frans said:

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.* THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........
WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Click to expand...

Haahahahhahahah

Ten puns to brighten up your day.


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

i love dumb jokes especially #9

Number 9 was my favorite too.

ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Texas

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy
armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and
asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? "

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his
hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing
the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the
little drunk and said, "Hey buddy, it's your business if you want to
buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"


The drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has
got to be a ballerina!"


Rotax

The elephant story was perfect! Thank you so much for that!

love
nick

NickfromWI said:

The elephant story was perfect! Thank you so much for that!

love
nick

Click to expand...

You & Evan (my son) are birds of a feather, Nick ! That tickled his funny bone so much, he printed it out to read to his class. Now, if he can get through it without giggling & giving away the punch line ...

We need more councilman like Bubba…….






God Bless Bubba - City Councilman from Midland, TX,

T. Bubba Bechtel, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was
asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he
thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply
prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause
from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables
will save one Texas GI's life, then I have just two things to say":

"Red is positive"

"Black is negative"

Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave."

Sparko said:

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave."

Click to expand...

Ha ha lol

UCLA STUDY

A study worth sharing with my friends.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire.

Very true

When in Rome ? I'll get in on the tasteless jokes...
A group of women were discussing their favorite positions. One of the women asked, "Have you ever tried the Rodeo Ride ? You straddle your partner and call him by another man's name, then hang on dear life !"

Never choke in a restaurant in the South...

Two hillbillies walk into a bar.

While having a shot of whiskey,
they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,
who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so,
it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
"Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman,
lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her
right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly
back to the bar.

His partner says,
"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there ' Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

i heard it as a hiney lick manuever

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line.

Whose funeral is it? "

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "

What happened to her? " !

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also. "

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "

The man replied "Join the queue."

Hind Lick Maneuver!!

That's classic!...

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A
small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The birch says he
cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the little sapling. The birch says,
Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

HA!

Don't ever piss off a guy with a backhoe!

Good advice.