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Thread: The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

  1. #1
    Wolfish. Sometimes Bites. Sponsor Thor's Hammer's Avatar
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    Land of Dragons

    Default The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

    Capitalism defined
    I'll explain what's what in the bewildering world of economic globalism...

    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.
    You shoot one and get a vet to give the other one the all clear and then declare there is no problem with BSE in your country.

    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who falsely reported the number of cows.

    You have twelve cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it buys three from you, shoots three, milks the other three and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing three mad cows.

    You have two cows.
    You worship them both.

    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

    You don't have any cows but that doesn't stop you opening a milk factory, an ice cream parlour and selling the world movie rights.

    You have two cows. You count them and realize you have four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you have eleventy-one cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realise that eleventy-one isn't a real number. You count the cows again and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy-one cows.

    You have two cows.
    You shag them both.

    You don't have any cows.
    The bank will not lend you the money to buy any cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as security.
    You go mad and shoot yourself.

  2. #2
    Wolfish. Sometimes Bites. Sponsor Thor's Hammer's Avatar
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    Default Tony Blair in Horrific tragedy!

    The Tragedy of Tony Blair
    The Prime Minister gets a lesson in sematics

    Prime Minister, Tony Blair, was visiting a school when a teacher asked him if he would care to lead the class discussion on semantics. Tony, having just escaped a mauling by the BBC's Jeremy 'Rotweiler' Paxman by the skin of his lying teeth, smugly chose the word ‘tragedy' and asked the class to give an example of its use.

    One boy stood up and said, “If my girlfriend, Suzie, who lives on a farm, was playing near the cesspit, and fell in, and her dad stuck a fork through her chest and killed her, that would be a tragedy.”
    “No,” said Blair, “that would be an accident.”

    Then a pretty, dark haired girl called Keli, raised her hand and suggested shyly: “If there was, like, a nucla war dat killed all da blokes but left da girls alive and da last bloke on earth lost his testicles in a shaving accident, that would be like, a REAL tragedy.”
    “I’m afraid not.” Said slimey Tone. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room in vain for an upraised hand. “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a correct definition of the word 'tragedy?”

    Finally, a scruffily dressed blonde right at the very back of the room raised her grubby hand. In an an uncertain voice she said: “If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, the cabinet and Mr Bush was struck by a ‘friendly’ missile fired by an American helicopter gunship and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
    “Fantastic!” exclaimed Blair. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

    “Well...” replied the girl, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

  3. #3
    Wolfish. Sometimes Bites. Sponsor Thor's Hammer's Avatar
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    For our American Cousins, heres a little bit of translation...
    Funny English Definitions for the Dyslexic

    Antelope (v): to run off with your mother’s sister.
    Assassination (n): an arrangement to meet a donkey.
    Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef.
    Basket (n): a short nap in the sun.
    Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby.
    Collonade (n): fizzy enema.
    Defence (n): something to sit on for people who can’t make up their minds.
    Diarrhoea (n) a very unattractive bottom.
    Dictator (n): hilariously shaped, edible tuber.
    Dipthong (v): to wash a lady's undergarment.
    Diversion (n): Princess of Wales' version of the events that led to her divorce.
    Dumpling (n): small lump of excrement.
    Gastronome (n): small person prone to excess wind.
    Harbinger (n): hard drinker.
    Hatchet (n): small, bird droppings that fall from the sky.
    Headband (n): top of the bill at a rock concert.
    Hormone (n): the sound a prostitute makes when she's not been paid.
    Hobnob (n): cooking accident often suffered by nudists.
    Homophobe (n): strong dislike of The Simpsons.
    Honeydew (n: women who regularly arrive late for appointments.
    Induction (n): induced labour in a duck.
    Innuendo (n): Italian suppository.
    Intercontinental (n): person who has wet themselves all over the world.
    Labiate (v): perform cunnilingus.
    Laminate (v): to artificially inseminate a sheep.
    Limpet (n): male who has trouble getting an erection.
    Lobster (n): colloquial term for a female who ejaculates during orgasm.
    Mantrap (n): sexual favour used by women to obtain money from men.
    Mastiff (n): mass erections induced by watching pornography.
    Menopause (n): break in conversation to allow men to get a word in edgeways.
    Minjita (n) (slang): an Indian lesbian.
    Misfit (n): an attractive young woman.
    Mislay (n): a brazen or promiscuous young woman.
    Morbific (n): excessively violent.
    Multilingual (n): engaging in cunnilingus with multiple partners.
    Negligent (n): cross-dresser.
    Ostentatious: make and model of a pre-war British luxury car.
    Outage (n): process of exposing a Gay politician.
    Portent (n): The Millennium Dome.
    Propaganda (n): a wooden support for one-legged male geese.
    Rapscallion (n): Black, American spring onion.
    Rectitude (n): Precise angle at which a rectal thermometer should be inserted.
    Reflex (v): renew wiring to an electrical appliance.
    Restitution (n): sanatorium for lactating women.
    Skulduggery (n): archaeological excavation.
    Snuff box (n): slang term for a coffin.
    Spade (n): small surgical tool for removing ovaries.
    Testator (n): a male who is constantly adjusting his genitalia.
    Titillate (n): delayed onset of female puberty.
    Titular (n & adj): busty woman.
    Vagrant: (n): confused insect.
    Willy-nilly (n): male who continually catches their penis in their zipper

  4. #4
    Banned by Squirrels


    HA! Do the Welsh really do that?

  5. #5
    'cause chicks dig scars Sponsor GASoline71's Avatar
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    Default The Good, the Bad, the Ugly


    Good : Your wife is pregnant.
    Bad : It's triplets.
    Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

    Good : Your wife's not talking to you
    Bad : She wants a divorce.
    Ugly : She's a lawyer.

    Good : Your son is finally maturing.
    Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
    Ugly : So are you.

    Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
    Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
    Ugly : You're in them.

    Good :Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
    Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
    Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

    Good : Your husband understands fashion.
    Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
    Ugly : He looks better than you.

    Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
    Bad : She keeps interrupting.
    Ugly : With corrections

    Good : Your son is dating someone new.
    Bad : It's another man.
    Ugly : He's your best friend.

    Good : Your daughter got a new job.
    Bad : As a hooker.
    Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
    Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

    "I have come here to chew bubblegum.... and kick ass, .....and I'm all out of bubblegum."

  6. #6
    AKA Matt :) Sponsor Buzz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Banned by Squirrels View Post
    HA! Do the Welsh really do that?
    No they much, much, much prefer sheep

  7. #7
    TreeHouse Administrator MasterBlaster's Avatar
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    Mar 2005


    Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

    Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight


    Paddy replies, “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”

    Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

    ”Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

    He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, “Shoite, Shoite!”

    He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

    He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

    He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,

    Feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

    ”Bi’Jesus... I’m fokin’ smashed,” he says.

    He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

    He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fokin’ way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can make it to the bed.” He

    takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

    He says “Fok it” and falls into bed.

    The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup

    Of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”

    Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fokin’ pissed. But how’d you know?”

    ”Mick phoned, you left your wheelchair at the pub.”

  8. #8
    Treehouser Sponsor pete mctree's Avatar
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    LMAO Butch!
    To gain that which is worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else.
    Bernadette Devlin

  9. #9
    Rockclimber/ treeclimber Sponsor darkstar's Avatar
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  10. #10
    Rockclimber/ treeclimber Sponsor darkstar's Avatar
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    You made it sound so real.I got family over the pond and heard that nearly the same way. Where did you learn that talk?