The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
 
F80B0bD.jpg
 
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/FQMbXvn2RNI" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
 
"In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlessinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura...

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.
The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
"
 
A tree crew finished up a crane job, and while the two ground guys were cleaning the truck up at the yard, the climber and crane operator shot across the street to have a couple beers and order dinner. As they were waiting, the conversation turned to how their sons were doing, now that they graduated college.

The crane operator said " I'm just so proud of my son, he is doing so well. He used his business degree to get a job at the Chevy dealership, and he's leading the team in sales. He's paying off his loans ahead of schedule, and in fact is doing so well he just bought a friend of his a new truck!!!"

"Holy shit that's nice of him!" proclaimed the climber. "I'm very proud of my son too, he is putting his liberal arts degree to good use, which amazes me. He started working for a realtor, and got his license to sell houses too! He's been the top guy all year, and is doing so well he just have a buddy of his a new house! I was gonna yell at him, but he already paid off his loans so what can i say?"

The older ground guy walked in at the tail end of the conversation and added ""Man we all have wonderful kids. My son might be the mailmans kid after how well he did in his math major. He was recruited heavily by Boeing, nasa, etc but he decided to go work in investing. He must be pulling in some fat stacks, because he just gave a buddy of his a whole retirement portfolio!!!!"

Finally the new guy showed up, sat down and ordered. The group asked him how his son was fairing, knowing he was in some trouble off and on. "Guys, I'm so embarrassed by my son. My wife and I, we raised him the best we could, made sure he finished his homework, was involved in school, but it was all for naught. He dropped out senior year, and then ruined Christmas dinner with the whole family by coming out as a homosexual. He told both grandmothers that he makes his money by stripping in the gay bar downtown, and he's a filthy whore. He must be doing ok though, he said his last 3 boyfriends bought him a new Chevy truck, a homogenous house, and even a retirement portfolio!!!"
 
Back
Top